


Push Me to the Edge

by Aylaar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agony, Anxiety, Character Death, Depression, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Eighth Year, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Kissing, Love, M/M, Major Character Injury, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oh My God, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide, Triggers, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:34:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21589327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aylaar/pseuds/Aylaar
Summary: In an endless cycle of depression, hurt, anguish and pain - Draco and Harry take solace in each other, until the end.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Kudos: 57





	Push Me to the Edge

**Author's Note:**

> ** TRIGGER WARNING **
> 
> DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, PAIN, INTERNAL SUFFERING, SUICIDE.
> 
> This is Major Character Death. This is a super warning.

**16th December, 1998.**

Returning for their Eighth Year had been one of the hardest decisions Harry had made, Hermione had returned with him, however Ron had entered early Auror training declaring the thought of going back to Hogwarts terrified him. Hermione chided him, claiming academics were important, but Harry knew Ron couldn’t cope with the memories of the once beautiful castle they both considered home. 

Unfortunately for Harry, Hermione had taken up a rather unexpected friendship with Millicent Bullstrode now they were all roomed together in separate dorms to the other students. He found himself alone more than not, so instead he’d taken up reading thriller, crime and horror muggle novels.

Christmas lights adorned the entire castle, illuminating the corridors in jazzy red, blue and green. Tinsel spread across most portraits, the smell of mulled wine and gingerbread was almost intoxicating, yet Harry felt no joy for Christmas, in all honesty he felt no joy for anything.

Sat on the windowsill to their shared Common Room, Harry peered down at the grounds below him, he wondered what it would feel like to fly through the air, without a broom. 

He wondered what it would feel like to die, to die properly. It was something he wasn’t entirely sure would happen to him after all being named The Boy Who Lived… Twice?  
Sighing, he peered down at his latest book. In this particular book, the main character a ghost.

“What are you thinking about, Potter?” Harry turned his head towards the voice, his eyes resting upon Malfoy, who was studying him with curiosity. Harry shrugged his shoulders and turned his head back to the window. “I was wondering what it would be like to fly.” he put simply, he had no time, no energy, no care to fight with the man he once declared his enemy. It seemed the fight had retreated from Draco also, his hair was shoulder length, he’d not brushed it in several days and it stuck up in wild angles, his face drawn in - his eyes looked dead.

“That’s what brooms are for.” he chuckled, the sarcastic tone in his voice not as biting as it had once been. Sitting down on the other side of the windowsill beside him, Draco looked at the other man's features, noting that the Saviour looked less than enthusiastic.

“I know.” Harry sighed. “I wondered what it would be like to fly, without a broom.” Draco raised an eyebrow, he laughed slightly. “I wonder that sometimes too.” he admitted, turning his head in the same direction as Harry, who shrugged his shoulders. “Were you offered a mind healer?” asked Harry casually, his voice held monotone. 

“Yes, but I declined.” Draco admitted honestly, placing both hands in his lap. “I did too.”

They sat for hours, staring out the window until the daylight had disappeared, replaced with the endless nights sky. Stars twinkling above, it held no magic for Harry. Everything was dull, like he was living in a black and white world where nothing was pretty, nothing interesting.

Nothing more was said by either man, before they retired to their bedrooms.

**21st December, 1998**

Over the next week, Harry found himself following Draco around, they shared meals together, sat next to each other in class, they sat at the windowsill every night, sometimes they spoke lightly, but they mostly said nothing to one another. Other students had become to comment on their newly found friendship, but Harry really couldn’t consider it to be a friendship. They just had the mutual interest in not breathing. Coupled with the fact that both of them preferred silence, or reading.

Reading wasn’t really something Harry had been interested in before, actually his former self liked nothing more than to avoid reading but the more he sunk in to himself, the more he took comfort from a book, reminding him that death is imminent.

Sat on one of the plush sofas in front of the roaring fire, Harry had his newest book sitting on the arm. He stared into the fire, watching the crackling flames, occasionally popping. The sofa dipped beside him, he turned his head a little eyes resting on Draco’s pale face. He’d never really taken much notice of Draco before now, his eyes were red rimmed, as though he’d been sobbing his heart out. Harry’s stomach panged, he wasn’t sure why. The blonde’s face was drawn in, his physique thin as though he’d not eaten in weeks, his hair which once shone in the sun settled in to a dull blonde, he wondered when the last time Draco had washed his hair was.

“Alright?” Harry whispered, eyes darting around the Common Room, there were only two other people, he wasn’t sure who they were as they had their back to him. Draco nodded, but said nothing. Deciding not to push it, Harry placed a hand on Draco’s knee, silently comforting him.

Raising an eyebrow, Draco turned his head towards Harry, still saying nothing he just nodded again, as though he already knew what it was for. They both turned their attention back to the fire, Draco often wished Harry had left him in the Room of Requirement, to die by fire. His soul was so tainted, he wondered idly if the fire would help to cleanse it. “Why did you speak at my trial?” he asked, frowning. He wasn’t sure where it came from, he wasn’t sure why he said it out loud - he’d only thought of it as far as he was aware.

“Because it was the right thing to do.” Harry admitted, his expression changing to that of sadness, pain almost. “I lost a lot of people during the war, all of them my fault.” 

“It-” Draco was cut off by a hand waving. “Don’t.” Harry stated. Draco just bowed his head in defeat. “If I had gone to die sooner, I-I” his voice faltered. Draco placed a hand on top of his, squeezing it lightly. Harry wondered if it was light because Draco had very little strength left in him.

**22nd December, 1998**

After they’d sat staring at the fire for most of the evening, Harry had taken Draco to his bedroom, Draco made a light teasing remark about how the Saviour got preferential treatment, but there was no malice - Harry wasn’t even sure if Draco’s teasing tone was actually teasing or his mind was playing tricks on him again. They sat on the bed and talked, all through the night until dawn rose.  
They talked about their childhoods, friends, family, things they used to enjoy doing. Draco explained about the peacocks in the Manor, about how his mother was endlessly grateful that Harry ended the war, that he was glad his father was locked up in Azkaban. Harry explained to Draco about the Dursleys, how he was in a cupboard under the stairs for a lot of his childhood, how he would be beaten, called a freak, he was made to cook dinner and how the only clothes he owned were his fat cousins hand me downs.

Draco had been shocked to learn of Harry’s childhood conditions, but he didn’t comment. He instead told Harry about his own childhood, about how when he was younger his father had purchased a kneazle for him, but two weeks later his father had taken the kneazle out to the woods beside their Manor and killed said kneazle. When Harry asked why, Draco explained that he’d failed to receive decent marks from his home tutor. He was seven.

After they’d talked their throats hoarse, Harry crawled over the bed, lay down fully clothed and gone to sleep. Draco watched as he fell asleep, smiling sadly at the broken shell of a man he once detested for no other reason than pure jealousy. He just stood up, kicked his shoes off and crawled up beside him, closing his eyes - hoping the endless abyss of sleep would keep him.

When they’d woken up, it was around 7pm, they’d went to sleep as dawn broke and woke to darkness once again. Harry wondered what it would be like to live in perpetual darkness his entire life, but then he remembered he already did. Somehow though, it was easier with his ex-nemesis by his side, he understood in a way no other person seemed to. 

They spent the rest of the night talking again, neither one of them bothered to secure something to eat. Neither cared enough, really.

**23rd December, 1998**

Harry awoke around four in the morning, his eyelashes thick with sleep. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and reached out for his glasses, his hand coming into contact with the slightly greasy blonde locks of the only man he cared about. Stirring, Draco opened his eyes and peered into the emerald green eyes, almost getting lost. He wondered if he could stay there.

Looking straight back in to dulled opal, Harry gave him a small sad smile. Draco turned towards the nightstand and picked the glasses up, quickly passing them to Harry. A silent thanks in the actions of a nod was received from Harry.

“It’s nearly Christmas.” Draco mumbled, turning over onto his back. He stared at the ceiling, noting the way the cracks twisted and turned, in the far side corner, he watched as a spider weave a long web, his eyes moved as the spider did, it seemed simple really, he wondered if spiders had feelings.

“It is.” Harry replied simply, reaching down he intertwined his fingers with Draco’s, they watched the spider together for several hours, until they could hear the hustle and bustle of students waking up.

“Are you staying for Christmas?” Harry asked, turning his head towards Draco, the other man did the same, they once again began staring into each others eyes, as though it was the only thing in the world grounding them, or binding them.

“Yes, you?” replied Draco.

“Yes.”

After they couldn’t hear anyone outside anymore, they both got up and slid their shoes on. In silence, they made their way to the Great Hall where they sat together at the end of the eighth year table. Harry often wondered what spurred McGonagall to add an eighth year table, but not enough to find out. Picking at a crumpet on his plate, Harry popped a bit in his mouth and noted it tasted like ash. 

Draco just sipped a little pumpkin juice, his eyes wandering to the incessant chattering of Millicent and Granger. They had been discussing meeting up over Christmas break, they were due to leave that afternoon. Draco looked towards Harry and his features softened. He wasn’t sure how you could love a person so quickly, he wasn’t sure if he’d always loved the other man.

“What are you thinking about?” asked Harry, who was still picking at his ash-like crumpet. “I was thinking about love.” Draco admitted, looking down at his goblet of pumpkin juice. He was unsure why both of them adhered to such honesty, ignorance probably. Ignorance to the world. Draco lived with an endless hole in his heart, his mind wandered to the darkest reaches of one's mind, sometimes he wanted nothing more than to feel better, but it was becoming rarer and rarer as days gone by. “Love?” Harry asked, a little shocked. It was the most emotion he’d really gotten out of the other man in the week and a half they shared a ‘friendship’ Draco wondered if Harry would feel better; if he’d leave him behind to his perpetual agony. 

“Yes, love.” he stated simply, picking his goblet up. He held it up to his mouth and sipped lightly, the flavour exploding in his dry mouth. Harry just nodded, pushing his plate away. “Do you want to go back to the room?” he asked quietly. Draco stood up, placing his goblet down on the table and held his hand out for the other man, who took it willingly and they exited the Great Hall hand in hand, It caught the attention of Hermione who ran off after them. “Harry!” she shouted, he turned slightly and nodded in acknowledgement. 

Her eyes glistened with emotion, she smiled at him - the first genuine smile he’d gotten out of her the entire term. “I’m going off to the Burrow to see Ron, are you coming with me?” she asked, eyeing Draco with suspicion.

“No, thank you.” Harry replied, they began to walk again, leaving Hermione behind the last thing she shouted was “I’ll see you after Christmas Harry! I’m glad you…” but it was cut off as they turned the corner.

The rest of the afternoon passed quite uneventfully, the other students had left the Castle, only a few remained but the Eighth year dorm seemed to be all but empty, aside from Harry and Draco.

They sat at either end of the sofa, in front of the fire their legs drawn up to their chests. Harry continued to read his book, finding himself immersed in another world.

Draco on the other hand, studied him closely. He wondered if Harry felt the way he did, about love. He wondered if he felt the same pain, there were so many questions he wanted to ask but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

**25th December 1998**

It was Christmas day, they’d spent yesterday talking - Draco discussed his depressive state, the overwhelming anxiety he felt, Harry sympathised and shared his own. After they’d finished talking about that they moved on to other topics, such as Harry’s break up with Ginny, Draco told him of his mother's desire for him to marry a pure-blood witch. Produce an heir.

The light sound of Christmas music filled the Castle and the remaining students were happily chatting in the Great Hall when Harry and Draco entered. They finished Christmas dinner together, as though their last meal. 

After dinner was over, Harry avoided the Common Room, knowing there were presents from Mrs. Weasley and the other Weasleys, as well as Hermione waiting for him. He suggested they took a walk through the grounds, eventually ending up by the Lake. 

They’d sat down on the snow covered ground, uncaring of the cold. Staring at the endless stretch of water, Harry wondered what it would feel like to drown. Draco’s thoughts were not far off his.  
“I’m glad that you’re here.” Draco whispered. Harry turned to Draco and smiled, the first genuine real smile he’d given anyone in months. It shocked Draco, but he smiled back regardless.

“Do you want to die?” Harry asked out of the blue, it startled Draco a little. However he nodded, letting out a sigh. “I’m too much of a coward to do it though.”

Harry let out a dry laugh. “We could do it together.” Draco’s eyes widened as he stared at the Boy Who Lived. The other man had turned down his offer of friendship in first year, all he’d dreamed about in the run up to joining Hogwarts was meeting this man, who he knew was his age, he thought he’d be popular, interesting, if he was friends with Harry Potter. When he’d declined, he made it his life's mission to taunt him at any opportunity, as if he wanted him to regret his decision. 

He often wondered if Harry simply didn’t care, so he pushed harder, the taunts, jibes, the endless bullying. When he’d finally realised the other man really couldn’t care less, he’d given up. Instead he put his effort in to ensuring the wizarding world went dark, that Voldemort reigned supreme, that would show him.

But Draco was a coward, although he didn’t believe it himself he was too nice, too good to ever hurt another person truly. Katie Bell had haunted his dreams for many months afterwards, the regret sat in his stomach like indigestion, something he never forgot. 

“Okay.” he said simply. They sat by the lake until they couldn’t feel their toes, Harry’s face began to hurt from the cold, Draco’s too. 

“Let's go to the Astronomy Tower.” suggested Harry. Draco thought back to the last time he was in there, a wave of nausea hit him like a ton of bricks.

They’d walked back to the castle in silence and reached the top of the Astronomy Tower in silence too. Stood on the balcony, they looked over the horizon together. Draco knew, he just knew. This was the end.

“I love you.” Draco whispered, reaching to hold Harry’s hand. It was as though all the emotion of previous months that Harry had suppressed, or maybe didn’t care about flooded him at once, he cringed. Turning to the other man, whose blonde hair seemed to shine in the now moonlit sky and smiled sadly. “I love you too.” he whispered back. 

Reaching forwards, Draco’s lips ghosted over Harry’s, as though he was asking for silent permission. Harry looked into the other man's eyes, and what he saw startled him. He’d never saw another person look at him this way, but here he was, looking like an angel. 

He’d never really given much thought about love and relationships before now, but Draco was sure that it had always been Harry. They’d been easily able to fall in to a comfortable friendship, the silences were never awkward, they took solace in the other’s company in a way no other had been able to do previously. It was like all they needed was each other, but they’d been too scared or too preoccupied in their own inane life before now. Harry closed the distance and pressed his lips against Draco’s. 

Running his tongue against Draco’s bottom lip, he bit it softly, earning a moan from the other man. Draco opened his mouth and Harry plunged his tongue inside, it was a little clumsy, their teeth bashed together but after a few more moments Harry took it upon himself to categorize in his brain every part of the blonde’s perfect mouth. He found he wanted to touch, feel and taste every part of the others body.

After a few minutes they pulled back, red faced and panting. A slight blush had formed on Draco’s pale cheeks, he smiled softly at Harry, pressing his forehead against his. They moved slightly to stand on the ledge of the balcony.

Harry wrapped his arms around Draco’s neck and looked up into the transcendent moon that was Draco’s eyes. The other man wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist, staring back into elegant emerald.

“I’ll see you in forever, my love.” Draco whispered. Harry smiled back at him. Harry pulled Draco’s body to the left and together, they fell. Harry had wondered what it would feel like to fly without a broom, he wondered how the wind would whip round him, how the breath would leave him, his heart constricted as he stared into the beautiful eyes of the man he loved as they plummeted to the ground below.

*~*~*~*~*~*

**Epilogue**

The Daily Prophet

**Breaking News**

The Boy Who Lived dead in shock double suicide. 

_Harry James Potter, best known as The Boy Who Lived and defeater of The Dark Lord, Voldemort has tragically died in what seems to be a tragic double suicide. The body of Harry James Potter was found, as well as the body of former Death Eater, Draco Lucius Malfoy. They were found this morning by Minerva McGonagall, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
The families of those deceased wish to remain private in this time of grief._

The sky illuminated with thousands of stars, as though they were all diamonds, glinting under light. The moon full, large and beaming down from above. Harry and Draco began walking down a gravelled path, through the most beautifully green, endless forest. 

Leaves scattered the ground below as they crunched beneath their feet. They walked slowly, holding hands. A wide smile graced Harry’s lips, shadows cast behind them from the moon light. Beside him, Draco was watching him intently, a smile on his face too. It was like all the pain and the suffering had eased away from their bodies, and together they were in forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a few years ago but never posted it, on the request of a few friends I have posted it. I'm sorry.


End file.
